…always cheers me up. No matter how sad I be.
I always have to pee when doing dishes…
Yesterday Doug and I were having a drink after work at Reno’s. We always get into big conversations about life, that is one thing I really like about Doug.
He told me he got the vibe from me that I just don’t care about anything and that is why I can be so free spirited and happy all the time (a persona that actually takes a lot of focus to maintain in reality.)
I had to think for a second about that, which scared me. Then I responded.
Maybe I don’t care about anyone or anything. It is true that nothing in this world really gets my blood pumping emotionally. It is very hard for me to attach myself to anyone. I am not looking for pity or any sort of consul from my friends when I say this, but I have my reasons for not trusting people. If you can’t stand the fact that I just don’t seem to care, you need to know why.
Growing up I had two great parents that loved me. However, neither of them had any idea how to show love. Not to me, not to my brother and surely not to each other. I cannot even remember the divorce. Maybe I was too young to really know what was happening, maybe my mind just blocked out the painful memories. I really don’t remember most of my young life, only the bad things.
My father is a very angry person, when I was young if I showed any sort of weakness or emotion he would scream at me until my tears ran dry. Crying was not allowed. My mother tried to hard to show her love and usually just ended up trying to buy my love. I loved toys but they are nothing in comparison to having someone there for you to teach you about life and make you feel like you fit in.
As I grew older I became very close to my brother. He was my best friend growing up, I looked up to him and wanted to be just like him. He liked comic books, so I liked comic books. He liked Star Trek, so I liked Star Trek. It was all terribly cliche. A few years later my sister was born.
During this time my father and mother both remarried. My stepmother tried to force me to love her, even though I could never do such a thing. My stepfather was a controlling asshole. With my stepfather I also inherited two step brothers. One of them was a sociopath who stole all of my shit and killed my pets, the other was a sexual fiend who liked to touch boys my age.
The only person I could turn to was my brother, he was there but he had his own life. I was mostly alone during this time. I did what any impressionable youth would do in this situation. I acted out. I strayed from my love of science as a child and decided I loved chaos instead. Inflicting chaos on the world and the people in it became a great joy in my life. Causing pain gave me a sense of power. A way to control my fragile world. It made me stronger and I began to stick up for myself. Things were going well for a while, then columbine happened and the kids who acted that gruesome scene out became heroes to me and my group of friends.
Our heads flooded with thoughts of taking our anger out on our classmates and teachers. The power of holding their lives in our hands. As the fantasies grew we began to plot how this might happen. One of us had drawn a map for the school and wrote out plans for how to bring it down. Others learned how to build bombs and collected weapons. Me and one other started sending threats to students and teachers via email.
The potential for disaster grew. I don’t think any of us would have ever gone through with it but it was exciting nonetheless.
Of course we were caught. I got expelled and never saw any of those people again.
I lost track of my point there…
I grew up, I found a new place to call home and changed my life around. I decided it was time to make a better Ian. I ditched my angry persona and created the one that everyone knows today. I joined marching band and became friends with a lot of good people. I extended love to everyone I met instead of hate. Things were going well, then I fell in love. I fell hard.
My first love was like no other. I had gone without love my entire life. When I found her she loved me in a way I had never known before. Her family liked me and I felt like I had found the family I had never had. Sure they were not perfect but they loved each other and me. I wished it would never end. Of course it did end, otherwise I would not be telling this story now.
I found another love, this one was even better than the first (or so I thought.) It lasted longer and I thought it would last forever. It did not.
This pattern went on for a long time. It always ends the same.
My point here is that, my entire life I have been looking for love, for someone to love me no matter what I do. Maybe everyone is looking for that, maybe some of you have it. I really don’t know. For the past 7 years I have made it a personal goal to be good to everyone I meet. I make mistakes and I learned from them. I feel like I extend so much of myself to other people hoping that just one person will latch on and I can reel them in for the long run.
Maybe I am stretching myself thin.
This is a long story that really can be summed up easily.
I care, I care a lot. I don’t let that show because every person I have ever let into my life has fucked me over. I try to be choosy about who I let in, but I desire that love so much I don’t want to pass up any opportunities to find it. I also give people too many chances. This makes people want to walk all over me. I accept this as a cost of having people who are at least close enough to talk to.
I guess that is my story for now.
Lately I have been doing really well. Which rocks.
Here are some more goals for me in the coming year or so.
1. Actually get my website going. It has been up for a year straight now and I have done little to nothing with it. Maybe it is something to do with my ambition with it. Maybe I just suck. I need to get the main page how I want it and start getting regular content up. This will be easier after I accomplish goal number two.
2. Put Green Glasses Productions back on the map. It was never on the map to start with but at least there was a time when people knew what it was and were willing to be a part of it. I need to get a new video camera. I am thinking even another cheap one would do the trick for a while. I would really like to eventually get some nice equipment. At least a weekly video of some sort would be ideal. Even if it is terrible.
3. Get back on the DDR diet. It is the only diet/exercise plan that has ever worked for me. It consisted of eating whatever I wanted as long as I played at least a few games of DDR a day. Yes, this is not a cheap option and it probably only worked the first time because I was 18. I want to give it another shot though, I love DDR and it is worth the money even if I don’t loose weight. Also if I don’t loose weight it would still get me more fit. I could use a boost in stamina.
Disregard my last post, work ended up being quite crazy yesterday. My text friends thought I was ignoring them for a while. In reality I could not get to my phone. It took me three hours to eat a slice of pizza 😛
Kim came over last night and we had a fun time watching movies/tv shows and then passing out.
Today is looking like it is going to be a very boring day for the most part. I may see my friend Olivia for a few minutes and later it looks like I have pretty solid plans for what may be a date. I am a bit nervous about it, but more on that later.
By the way, in case any of you have not heard of it. Hulu.com rocks. It lets you watch a ton of different TV shows with minimal ads online for free, and legally. I feel like it is a much higher quality and more legal version of TV links. If you like free TV check it out.
I pay 10 dollars a month for my share of the high speed internet connection at home. Which includes all of the TV, Movies and Gaming I could want. It is beautiful how cheap the internet has made entertainment. People who pay for cable or satellite and pay more than 20 a month are out of their minds if you ask me. I guess I could never be that into TV, but the ability to watch pretty much any show online for free with less ads than you get when you pay to watch them is too much to pass up.
Anyway, shower time then I am out of here. Peace out Homies.
Is boring today.
If you have my number, leave me some text love. If you want my number ask.
I am creating the ultimate herbivore peace keeping nation in spore.
It is awesome and fun.
Filming was canceled today due to weather conditions. That makes me sad. However hanging out at home every once in a while isn’t all that bad.
Also, I am not actually fired from work yet. There is a good chance of it happening soon though. I won’t technically be fired, I will instead be laid off. Which is nice because I will be able to get unemployment. I just hate the anticipation of waiting for something to happen and not knowing quite how it might happen. I hope they make their decision soon on who they are going to keep and who they might let go. If I am going to need to move on to greener pastures knowing sooner is preferred to later.
Otherwise, I love my friends. You guys have been great to me over the past few days and have really helped lower my stress bubble a bit.
Now, back to Spore.