Becoming one with the darkness

Lately I have been living a different lifestyle than I am used to. Due to my the complexities of my life and my own inability to manage money I have been living without power for about three weeks now.

At first I was fairly optimistic I could handle such a lifestyle I bought some battery powered lanterns, a battery powered radio and some other battery-related supplies to try to make sure I at least had a few comforts left. The water is still on as well, both hot and cold, so I figured there was no real risk of things getting too bad.

The thing I did not anticipate which would become the hardest thing to deal with was how the absence of the endless distractions in my life would effect my mental state. To say that my main method of coping with emotional issues is avoidance would be an understatement. I realize now that the reason I fill my life with movies, video games and other distractions is so that I never have to deal with the darker thoughts going on in my head at any given time. If I feel sad I just put a movie on, if I need to vent I go to play a game. Without these comforts in my life I found myself with no coping mechanisms at all.

Sitting alone in a dark apartment with nothing but your thoughts to keep you company is one of the scariest things I have ever done. I try to cope with this still by avoiding being home, spending as much time as possible at friends houses or just driving around town. However there are still days spent sitting there just thinking. Thinking all the hateful, depressing, self loathing, shameful thoughts that come natural to my twisted mind. The thoughts I have avoided for years that now brim to the surface in my time of desperation.

I am slowly learning to cope, but it is one of the biggest challenges I have faced. I wish I knew how other people can stand to be alone with themselves.


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