Melting Down

Dreams for me seem to always uncover the underlying issues that I try so hard to avoid in my day to day life. Last night was no different as I found myself in a complete mental breakdown in the middle of a dream.

It is no surprise to me that I would have a dream like this but it may mark the first time I can remember crying uncontrollably in a dream.

The best way I can classify my experience last night would be “anxiety nightmare”. I am always battling my own anxiety and for the most part I have it under control. The issue of course being that the more I try to control it the harder I melt down when I lose control. Usually people say it is best to attack the underlying issues of your anxiety instead of just pushing it down into your sub-conscious but unfortunately there is really not much I can do about my life situation as of late other than power through and hope that I can last until things start to improve.

In the dream I was moving from my current residence, something that will be happening in real life in about a week or two. While moving I came back to the apartment to find that I had somehow left one of the cats alone for two days without feeding her. She was sick and clearly not doing well. Being that my cats are the only creatures that I have any genuine feelings for this hit me pretty hard. As the cat food had already been moved and I do not own a vehicle my first instinct was to try to reach out to my friends Kim and Jon to help me get some cat food to her as quickly as possible. Unfortunately being a dream my phone was not quite working as expected. I was trying to open Facebook messenger as that is usually the quickest way to get a hold of people in my life but I could not get to the home screen on the phone to launch the app. Every time I hit the “home” button it just closed the app it was in only to bring me to some other random app that was open underneath it. I furiously tried just hitting it over and over again only for the home screen to never appear. This is when I snapped.

I simply broke down (in the dream) and started bawling. It was all the anxieties of my mind manifest and I could not take it. I cried for what seemed like hours in the dream before waking up to realize we had not moved yet. I could not get back to sleep as my mind could not stop thinking about what had happened. I have been feeling a need to let loose emotionally lately but have been unable to do so while awake. In a way this dream may have provided the release my mind so desperately craved. However at the same time it made me face some of the troubles that I have been trying so hard to bury within my mind.

Life is not exactly great at the moment, I will not lie and try to say that it is. I am alive and I do have food and shelter so it is not as bad as it could be. However with my third move in under 6 months coming up here soon it is clear I am starting to lose control over my anxiety a bit. While parts of me are excited about moving (having a bed to sleep on again will be really really nice) most of me is dreading it completely.

All I can do is keep hanging on. I may not be getting anything that I want out of life but that is just how things have to be right now. It may take me years to be back to a point where I feel comfortable again in my life but those are years I have to face. There is nobody I can blame for my situation but myself and as such I have to keep pushing forward. Someday I will have a place to live again where I feel like I am at home, it may take a lot of hard work to get back to that but it will be worth it in the end.

For now I just have to focus on getting through the day without really getting any sleep, wish me luck!

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