The Echo Chamber
For the past year I have been going through some stuff. After losing almost everything I had I buckled down in an attempt to regain some semblance of my former life. In the process I have found myself trapped inside the nightmare of my own mind.
It started as a self-defense mechanism. It is something I did a lot as a child to escape the horrors of my reality. These days my reality is not as horrible yet I still find myself running from the world. I am not sure if it is a cycle I will ever break out of, or if I even want to break free from it. It is the only coping mechanism I have ever seemed to develop.
While disassociating does help me cope it is far from a healthy thing to do. Knowing this has not been enough to prevent it from happening. Unfortunately, the consequences of spending so much time reflecting inward is the madness that it stirs up inside of me.
I don’t really talk to anyone anymore, all of my thoughts are dark and terrifying. I do my best to spare others the pain I inflict on myself. This means the only person I really ever talk to about my issues is myself. Over a year containing my thoughts to mostly inner dialogue I feel I may be losing sight of who I am.
Even typing this now I feel bad for burdening whomever may be reading this with my unfocused ramblings. I just had this intense desire to express myself even though I have no real clarity as to what it is I need to express.
I want to break out, but I don’t know how. I fear that if I don’t I will continue to lose everything that I love. I wish I knew how to proceed.