Enabling Ian

This entire month I am taking 100 dollars out of each paycheck to save for a new computer. Being without a proper audio/video editing system is massively depressing. To say my computer is one of the most important things in my life might sound strange to the common person. You have to know me, my life is defined by technology. My computer is my entertainment it provides me with movies, tv, and video games. My computer is my social life. Facebook is the way I keep in contact with everyone I know, the internet is how I make new friends. My computer is my creative outlet. Creating web sites, writing, drawing, making music and movies are all things I rely on my computer for. In summary, my computer is my life. When I am without one, or when I have to depend on one that is ill-eqipped I am lost. Getting myself back up and running is more important than anything right now, it enables Ian to be Ian.

So for two weeks now I have been learning to cope with living without spending money. I already know how to eat around 5-10 dollars worth of food per week. Now I am cutting out spending money on seeing movies or drinking with friends. It really isnt so bad. I feel like the longer I do it the easier it is getting. Before long living on 40 dollars a week will not be a problem at all.

So I am thinking that this new lifestyle of living on the fringe will become more permanent. If I can manage to put aside 100 dollars a week from now on I can get a lot of things done.

The big goal after my computer is back up is to get back on the road with a car of my own. Even putting aside that much money it will still take a while to accomplish. I have to get my license back, which means paying off old tickets and going through whatever fines may have built up over the years. Then there is the act of saving for a car. I am hoping to be driving again by years end.

After that I plan to tackle my debt. The only problem I foresee with this plan will be if I loose my job. Not something I expect anytime soon, I doubt any jobs are secure these days though.

Welcome Back Livejournal!

I finally got around to re-adding the livejournal app to my phone, so I should be posting regular again.

A quick update on what is new with me. Olivia and I have broken up, The Bulock Show is up and running (even though I have not edited our last podcast in a week.) I am dieting once again, my computer is down and summer is giving me lots of hope for the future.

More later.

GGP Vs. The World

I have been taking steps towards becoming completely devoted to fulfilling my dreams. It is not an overnight process to purge un-needed thoughts and activities from my daily life, but I can feel the change happening. As long as I can resist the temptation to waste time and be lazy I will be good.

In other news, no more 200 dollars a week in rent, hurrah!

In fact, I have somehow gotten ahead on my rent and am now paying a week in advance. Basically that means if I need some extra xash at some point I can just not pay for one week.

I can taste that new computer now, and it tastes so sweet.

Goals…

I have made these sort of posts before. Letting the world know what my goals in life are so that I may have some sort of accountability to make sure they get done. It hasn’t really worked in the past but writing them down still helps me at least attempt to meet them.

I want to be healthy. I have no problem with being overweight, but I can already feel my heart starting to give out and I am only 24. Years of substance abuse and an extremely bad diet have worn my body far past where it should be for a gent. of my age. It is a bit scary and I want that too change.

I have already been changing my diet and cutting back almost all of my substance abuse. I mostly drink water these days and almost never have fast food. I rarely drink anymore. Drugs have always been an issue and they are a bit harder to kick but I am fighting temptation and giving them the boot as well.

So what else is there to do? Let me tell you friends.. excersize!

It has been a long time goal of mine to start a regular work out pattern. Just because it is something I want does not mean it is easy to do. My body and mind still try to make me be lazy. Laziness is in the core of who I am.

My plan is to start getting up at 5:30 in the morning every day. I want to go for a morning jog followed quickly by a short round of pushups and sit ups. If I do it right I could be done by 6AM, my usual wake up time, and get a shower in.

I think it would also be good to increase the quantity of food I eat for breakfast as well as the protein content. Maybe instead of yogurt or cereal I will have a couple of eggs and toast.

So that is the plan so far.

In other news I should be done paying off my security deposit by the end of this month. Which means a new computer should shortly follow. When that happens expect a Green Glasses content explosion. I have been sitting on a lot of stuff that needs to get out.

See you next time, Space Cowboys…

On being happy…

Being happy for me is more difficult than most people probably realize. When I go to work, hang out with my friends, or am otherwise in public I put on a little happy show. I play the part of a jovial fat man who just happens to love life and everything in it. People like the happy Ian, and I just happen to enjoy having people like me. In reality, I do love the world and everything in it, so the character is not entirely fictional. However I am not always happy.

Whenever I think in depth about my life as a whole I feel empty. I am 24 and literally have less than nothing of value in this world. Monetary value at least. I dont own a car, a house, even a computer. Most of my clothes are years old and I dont even have too many of them. I rent a room in a house that I share. I share a single size bed every night with my gf, which isn’t so bad other than the fact that it isn’t even a comfortble bed.

My paychecks barely cover my rent, they don’t cover the amount of day to day bills that I have at all. So I get behind, which really would not be that scary if it was only recent debt.

I also live with the fact that when I was 18 I took advantage of my natural good credit and have two unpaid credit cards and one old loan from Dell. Two of these debts are suing me now, though I don’t know which since all of my debt was apparently bought by other companies.

If my wages ever got garnished I would be out a place to live, which means that I would have to move, which means I would have to quit my job. The cycle would never break.

Inside my life feels like I am walking down this dark tunnel, running from my past. The lights in the tunnel get dimmer as I go on. There is no indication of the lights becoming bright again, in my heart I sense that the tunnel was a mistake to begin with and that it must only lead to a cell or a untimely death.

I can only hope the tunnel actually somehow leads to an exit and I can escape this misery. That scenario just seems so unlikely right now.

In summary, I am only human. I cannot withstand all darkness like I lead people to believe. I am sure we all get like this sometime. Suffering and enduring is the nature of being human. I just want a break, some relief. Will I get what I want? Only time will tell.

Thank you for reading my emo rant…

In my mind it feels like….

…summer. I don’t know why. But I have been rather optimistic and creative lately, a strange thing to be this time of year. I think having less distractions at home and a bit more space to roam around has relieved some stress in my life and made my mind open back up a bit.

In a way I am glad my computer is down. I have to find other things to do, I have to think about things other than the random movies I download and games I play.

I started writing a song yesterday, I like it so far. I am still working on my short story as well. I have been writing every day and it feels great. I hope I can keep it up.

Now if only I could have some more money in my life, things would be just about perfect…