Melting Down

Dreams for me seem to always uncover the underlying issues that I try so hard to avoid in my day to day life. Last night was no different as I found myself in a complete mental breakdown in the middle of a dream.

It is no surprise to me that I would have a dream like this but it may mark the first time I can remember crying uncontrollably in a dream.

The best way I can classify my experience last night would be “anxiety nightmare”. I am always battling my own anxiety and for the most part I have it under control. The issue of course being that the more I try to control it the harder I melt down when I lose control. Usually people say it is best to attack the underlying issues of your anxiety instead of just pushing it down into your sub-conscious but unfortunately there is really not much I can do about my life situation as of late other than power through and hope that I can last until things start to improve.

In the dream I was moving from my current residence, something that will be happening in real life in about a week or two. While moving I came back to the apartment to find that I had somehow left one of the cats alone for two days without feeding her. She was sick and clearly not doing well. Being that my cats are the only creatures that I have any genuine feelings for this hit me pretty hard. As the cat food had already been moved and I do not own a vehicle my first instinct was to try to reach out to my friends Kim and Jon to help me get some cat food to her as quickly as possible. Unfortunately being a dream my phone was not quite working as expected. I was trying to open Facebook messenger as that is usually the quickest way to get a hold of people in my life but I could not get to the home screen on the phone to launch the app. Every time I hit the “home” button it just closed the app it was in only to bring me to some other random app that was open underneath it. I furiously tried just hitting it over and over again only for the home screen to never appear. This is when I snapped.

I simply broke down (in the dream) and started bawling. It was all the anxieties of my mind manifest and I could not take it. I cried for what seemed like hours in the dream before waking up to realize we had not moved yet. I could not get back to sleep as my mind could not stop thinking about what had happened. I have been feeling a need to let loose emotionally lately but have been unable to do so while awake. In a way this dream may have provided the release my mind so desperately craved. However at the same time it made me face some of the troubles that I have been trying so hard to bury within my mind.

Life is not exactly great at the moment, I will not lie and try to say that it is. I am alive and I do have food and shelter so it is not as bad as it could be. However with my third move in under 6 months coming up here soon it is clear I am starting to lose control over my anxiety a bit. While parts of me are excited about moving (having a bed to sleep on again will be really really nice) most of me is dreading it completely.

All I can do is keep hanging on. I may not be getting anything that I want out of life but that is just how things have to be right now. It may take me years to be back to a point where I feel comfortable again in my life but those are years I have to face. There is nobody I can blame for my situation but myself and as such I have to keep pushing forward. Someday I will have a place to live again where I feel like I am at home, it may take a lot of hard work to get back to that but it will be worth it in the end.

For now I just have to focus on getting through the day without really getting any sleep, wish me luck!

Dream…

Last night I had a crazy dream.

Me and a few other people were supposed to check out a house for some reason. We were part of some sort of investigation but I am not sure on the details other than that.

You could tell that everybody thought this was going to be a boring job and it was treated as such. We looked around the house, took notes here and there. Then we moved to the basement.

The basement of this house was absolutely amazing. It was dark and grim. There were passages that led to even lower levels beneath the basement. Nobody expected to find something like this. We were excited to explore.

One of the fellow investigators was a woman and I had been working closely with her all night. We were trying to figure out what sort of stone the walls were made of when she felt something on her leg.

We both look down and see a splotch of blood on her left pant leg, the blood stood out very well due to the light color of her khaki pants.

The first reaction was that she had wounded herself somehow, but she felt no pain. It did not take more than a few seconds to find out where the blood actually had come from. Drops of blood started coming down from the ceiling. Looking up we could see that the entire ceiling was soaked in a redish tint.

Blood began to drip down everywhere. The walls themselves started to bleed. Like a chain reaction everywhere that we looked we could see a new source of blood pouring out. I was amazed. I stood and stared for a moment. I had never seen anything like this and it was wonderful. The others panicked, and rightfully so.

So we began to move out, we found an exit that led to the backyard of the house. The residents of the house were still there in the backyard having what appeared to be a family gathering. In an attempt not to shock them only two of us went out, to see if we could find anymore clues.

It was me and Nathan Fillion who went out into the backyard. For the most part everything seemed normal. That was until we found the tree. The tree was more towards the back of the yard. It looked like there was a half circle around the tree in the yard, set up so people could sit and view it. There was a wooden stage against the bottom of the tree. On the tree itself was the terrifying part. What appeared to be the shape of a human with outstretched arms was burned into the bark of the tree.

Beside us suddenly was a little girl.

“That is where we burn our dolls,” she says.

An eerie feeling creeps over us. These are not dolls being burned, they are people. This family is some sort of murdering band of psychopaths. Nathan Fillion grabs hold of me and we begin to move about the party. He has his arm locked with mine.

“Are we attempting to blend in as a gay couple'” I ask.

“Not at all, just go with with it for a minute,” he replies.

We are being stared at by everyone now and attempt to move back towards our group inside. Nathan is holding me in front of him, his arms around me. The feeling is both comfort and safety.

“Well thanks for keeping me safe at least,” I remark.

“Its not what you think,” he replies “I am just trying to protect myself, can’t expect to get out of here alive without you leader.”

I realize that I am being used as a human shield and feel a bit less safe and comforted. I also realize this is the exact response I would have expected from him. (No doubt due to the characters he plays on TV)

We try again to move back toward the house. Before we get there we are attacked. Nathan is killed just like he thought he would be. Myself and the rest of our group are taken prisoner.

The dream gets kind of hazy here. The rest consists of trying escape the madmen.

I guess the part that is most interesting to me is, that I was not scared during this dream, instead I found it to be exciting and a little bit funny at times. What does that mean?

 

Dream….

So I woke up this morning to my ever more annoying alarm clock after having a short but interesting dream.

The dream featured myself and one of my close friends, a friend who I will not name at this time.

We had just got done going on what was apparently a fantastic date. Spirits were high, laughter was in the air. We began walking into this tunnel, a tunnel which actually looks a lot like the one under the parking garage of the Ramada hotel here in Lansing.

I hate describing dreams sometime because for me dreams are a mostly emotional affair, something that I am not the greatest at putting to words.

That being said this next part was mostly a feeling.

So there we are in this tunnel, we turn to face each other and say good-bye. I give her a hug, both of us are smiling. I don’t let go right away and she follows suit. There is something all together comforting about being in her arms. After a moment we bothb laugh at our extra long hug and say our farewells.

But we don’t walk away. We try to walk away, even turning a bit and taking that first step. We stop, howeever, turning back towards each other, catching each others eyes.

A step closer again, eyes locked. The feeling is inside both of us, I can feel my heart race as I move in to kiss her. For a split second it is one of the most romantic moments I have ever had.

The kiss is a llittle more than a peck but a little less than a kiss of the french variety. Like the hug it lasts a bit longer than it should. Unlike the hug this kiss is not met with a desire for more.

In fact the kiss itself is incredibly awkward. The emotion that led up to it is almost completely dissolved as soon as our lips met.

We give each other strange looks and half smiles. Say our good byes one more time and both do a desperate stumble in opposite directions. My alarm goes off. I am awake.

I found this dream rather interesting because of how it ended. I have always been curious about my feelings for the individual in question and I feel like this dream cleared up some confusion for me. The anti-climatic ending reassured me that even though I may feel love in a romantic sense towards my friends from time to time. Action on said love will inevitably lead to failure.

It was a good dream, I love how my mind works…