On being happy…

Being happy for me is more difficult than most people probably realize. When I go to work, hang out with my friends, or am otherwise in public I put on a little happy show. I play the part of a jovial fat man who just happens to love life and everything in it. People like the happy Ian, and I just happen to enjoy having people like me. In reality, I do love the world and everything in it, so the character is not entirely fictional. However I am not always happy.

Whenever I think in depth about my life as a whole I feel empty. I am 24 and literally have less than nothing of value in this world. Monetary value at least. I dont own a car, a house, even a computer. Most of my clothes are years old and I dont even have too many of them. I rent a room in a house that I share. I share a single size bed every night with my gf, which isn’t so bad other than the fact that it isn’t even a comfortble bed.

My paychecks barely cover my rent, they don’t cover the amount of day to day bills that I have at all. So I get behind, which really would not be that scary if it was only recent debt.

I also live with the fact that when I was 18 I took advantage of my natural good credit and have two unpaid credit cards and one old loan from Dell. Two of these debts are suing me now, though I don’t know which since all of my debt was apparently bought by other companies.

If my wages ever got garnished I would be out a place to live, which means that I would have to move, which means I would have to quit my job. The cycle would never break.

Inside my life feels like I am walking down this dark tunnel, running from my past. The lights in the tunnel get dimmer as I go on. There is no indication of the lights becoming bright again, in my heart I sense that the tunnel was a mistake to begin with and that it must only lead to a cell or a untimely death.

I can only hope the tunnel actually somehow leads to an exit and I can escape this misery. That scenario just seems so unlikely right now.

In summary, I am only human. I cannot withstand all darkness like I lead people to believe. I am sure we all get like this sometime. Suffering and enduring is the nature of being human. I just want a break, some relief. Will I get what I want? Only time will tell.

Thank you for reading my emo rant…

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